Lately, I've been trying really hard to be catholic.

To believe in god, or fate, or bible stories. To go to church every Sunday, or confession, or just to pray once in a while. I feel like religion is an amazing thing to have as a part of one's life. I know, that sounds weird and poser-ish and completely the opposite of what a good catholic thinks/does. I should just believe. I shouldn't have to try or think about it. It should just happen. I shouldn't want it because it seems fun or helpful or exciting or exotic. I should want it, have it, simply because I believe. But I don't-- I want it because it seems like a good thing to have. And that's really awful, but it's true.

I'm growing up in a time and place and group of people where being religious is... well... weird, not normal, frowned upon. Most of my closest friends, even, would be weirded out or confused if I told them that I believed in god. Maybe that's just the people I know, and I'm taking to much liberty in generalizing that statement, but it certainly seems that way to me.

At this point, it's not even like I'm hiding a part of myself because I haven't believed in or done anything that is required to really be a catholic since probably 2nd grade. Yes, my parents are catholic, I was raised catholic- I got baptised and I had my first communion and now, I'm working towards my confirmation. but, does that make me catholic if I, myself, don't really, truly believe?

Hang in there, there's a purpose to all this self-absorbed rambling, I swear.

My point is this: Maybe I have a hard time believing in god because I just do. Because I've always been logical and couldn't picture things like resurrection or turning water to wine or just the fact that someone controls everything we do or think. Things that require some magic, a great imagination, and faith. But, maybe it's because of the people I meet and spend my time with. Maybe the teenage disapproval of religion is shaping me as a person, is turning me into something I'm not, or something I am or should be or was.

When I read Looking For Alaska by John Green, I can't help but think about Pudge's character and who he was before boarding school. I can't help but wonder if he would've been someone entirely different had he stayed at home, and whether that would've been a bad or good thing. When he arrived there, he couldn't even smoke a cigarette without coughing. Then, through joining forces with The Colonel and Alaska he became someone that his old self never would've imagined. Is it good that he smokes and drinks and plays pranks and sets off fireworks and watches porn? No. Is it good that this is the only way he came to make friends and fit in at his school? Absolutely not. But, it's reality. Our society has such a twisted definition of popularity, what it is to be "cool", such an ugly view on beauty or fame, people changing themselves for all the wrong reasons.

Was Pudge always meant to be that way? Did he just need someone to help him realize it? Do people have a certain self that is determined in their genes? A real, true personality, waiting to come out at just the right time, with just the right people? Or, is how we are, who we are, determined by experiences? Will the people we interact with as children determine our lives as adults?

I hope this post wasn't to disorganized and pointless. It feels like it was, a bit, but I hope you can still make sense of it and get something out of my weird, scrambled thoughts.