Lately, I've been trying really hard to be catholic.

To believe in god, or fate, or bible stories. To go to church every Sunday, or confession, or just to pray once in a while. I feel like religion is an amazing thing to have as a part of one's life. I know, that sounds weird and poser-ish and completely the opposite of what a good catholic thinks/does. I should just believe. I shouldn't have to try or think about it. It should just happen. I shouldn't want it because it seems fun or helpful or exciting or exotic. I should want it, have it, simply because I believe. But I don't-- I want it because it seems like a good thing to have. And that's really awful, but it's true.

I'm growing up in a time and place and group of people where being religious is... well... weird, not normal, frowned upon. Most of my closest friends, even, would be weirded out or confused if I told them that I believed in god. Maybe that's just the people I know, and I'm taking to much liberty in generalizing that statement, but it certainly seems that way to me.

At this point, it's not even like I'm hiding a part of myself because I haven't believed in or done anything that is required to really be a catholic since probably 2nd grade. Yes, my parents are catholic, I was raised catholic- I got baptised and I had my first communion and now, I'm working towards my confirmation. but, does that make me catholic if I, myself, don't really, truly believe?

Hang in there, there's a purpose to all this self-absorbed rambling, I swear.

My point is this: Maybe I have a hard time believing in god because I just do. Because I've always been logical and couldn't picture things like resurrection or turning water to wine or just the fact that someone controls everything we do or think. Things that require some magic, a great imagination, and faith. But, maybe it's because of the people I meet and spend my time with. Maybe the teenage disapproval of religion is shaping me as a person, is turning me into something I'm not, or something I am or should be or was.

When I read Looking For Alaska by John Green, I can't help but think about Pudge's character and who he was before boarding school. I can't help but wonder if he would've been someone entirely different had he stayed at home, and whether that would've been a bad or good thing. When he arrived there, he couldn't even smoke a cigarette without coughing. Then, through joining forces with The Colonel and Alaska he became someone that his old self never would've imagined. Is it good that he smokes and drinks and plays pranks and sets off fireworks and watches porn? No. Is it good that this is the only way he came to make friends and fit in at his school? Absolutely not. But, it's reality. Our society has such a twisted definition of popularity, what it is to be "cool", such an ugly view on beauty or fame, people changing themselves for all the wrong reasons.

Was Pudge always meant to be that way? Did he just need someone to help him realize it? Do people have a certain self that is determined in their genes? A real, true personality, waiting to come out at just the right time, with just the right people? Or, is how we are, who we are, determined by experiences? Will the people we interact with as children determine our lives as adults?

I hope this post wasn't to disorganized and pointless. It feels like it was, a bit, but I hope you can still make sense of it and get something out of my weird, scrambled thoughts.

Mentor Blog Posts

http://eveningswithdrfutterman.blogspot.com/2011/01/ive-been-feeling-so-strange-lately.html#comments

Time and time again, I feel myself being drawn to reading Annie's blog. She's more than just an amazing writer- every single post has such a specific voice and character to it (not to mention her amazing vocabulary that I can't seem to not mention every time I talk about her blog). I find it really inspiring to see not only the minimum reading entry per week, but also extra creative/independent writing or random thoughts every time I look at her blog. Every aspect of it from her background, to description, to title of blog, to each and every post shines through as "purely Annie". I love, love, love her metaphors and creative expressions, and the picture she chose for her "poem, art response" post. As time goes on, I will continue to look back at "Evenings With Dr.Futterman"often in the hopes that reading her writing, which is so drastically different and overall stronger than mine, will help me grow as a writer, reader, student, and person.

Whoops, I just realized that I forgot to write anything about the actual post that I put a link to. So, I love this post basically because it displays so perfectly what I described before. Annie does a brilliant job of extending her ideas and connecting what she's thinking about in her own life and in the world, to her books and what she's reading.

http://piasela.blogspot.com/2011/01/sense-of-normalcy-and-perfecting-our.html#comments

What I love about this post is how real it is, how everyone can connect to what she's talking about because it's just so true. What I admire most about Pia's blog in general is how beautifully she connects the book she is reading to real life, how she'll start with a pararaph or two to draw you in, get you thinking, and then give some context, tell you how it relates. A lot of the blogs I read are rants about life/things distantly/not-at-all connected to their reading or a very long retell with perhaps a few sentences explaining their thoughts on the book. Plenty of those blog posts are perhaps written well and thoroughly thought out, but somewhat defeat the point of a "reading blog". What I envy so much about Pia's posts is her perfect balance between the two- not too much retell, just enough theorizing and ranting. Her thoughts are always very organized and well thought out-- very obviously not left to the last minute.

http://ferny-nandez.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-time-comes-to-leave-just-walk-away.html

I am in love with not only her poem response, but also the piece of art that she chose for this post. The imagery and story that she creates off of this picture is so lovely and just makes me smile (perhaps partially because Ferny wrote it). I also idolize practically any poem that rhymes in any way, just because I love rhyming. On a broader note, I also really really admire that she has bits of independent/creative/extra writing included in her blog here and there.

I think that having an ELA blog community like this is and has been such an amazing experience that we should all take full advantage of by putting real and true effort into every post we write, and trying hard to go beyond the minimum 1 post per week mold. I realize that I personally haven't been writing much more than is required, which is why I applaud those who have (like Izzy, Annie, Pia) and I definitely want to work harder to do that in the 2nd semester of this year.