Revised and Published "Sometimes I Wish I Could Forget"

So, this is the New and Improved version of this:

Time is relative. When you're 14 years old, the last 4 years may have seemed like the longest, best, worst, most important, most painful, what-ever-it-is years of your life. Then, as a 50 year old, your life has been steady, settled for a while and the last four years seem unimportant, a nonentity. A senior in high school may think that the year can't go any slower- that it seems like a lifetime before they will graduate when, in the big picture, this year is only one tiny fraction of their life. We all live and die, and go unnoticed by many. Four years mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, but at the same time, can define someones entire life.

Now, take a moment to think about the last four years of your life. Think about what they meant, what they did, how they changed you as a person. Think about what things would be like had they never happened, what you would be like if they simply disappeared. One moment they were a piece of your history, a chunk of your memory, part of what made you you, and the next thing you know, they were just gone. It would be as if a part of your life never even existed, you suddenly re-winded. This is what happened to Naomi Porter.

She hit her head on slippery steps and in a split second, four years disappeared. Anything from after the age of 12 was simply erased from her memory- her mothers affair, her parents divorce, her boyfriend Ace, her best friend Will, her love for yearbook and tennis, her ability to drive, her lost virginity, her new house, her half sister- everything. The most eventful, vital years of her life were forgotten. Her world had become a mystery- why did she drop that class? Why did she fall for Ace? Where did she wear that dress? How did she have her hair? Did her father have a girlfriend? Did she like the girlfriend? She begins to search for clues to piece together her history with. She had to trust people to tell her pieces of her past, and to tell them honestly. Naomi's life became a complete nightmare of question and wondering. At the same time, though, her amnesia had given her a fresh start. At sixteen years old, she had basically no past. She could choose to simply start over, be a whole new person. She didn't remember the old one, and no one would know that it ever existed. When Naomi finally does remember everything, she hides it. She doesn't tell anyone that her memory is back because, she doesn't want it to be. Starting over felt good, why face the reality of her messy but true life if she didn’t have to?

This book, Memories of a Teenage Amnesiac, makes me think about what it's like to forget. Is it better to forget your mistakes? To live with no history? To start with a clean slate? Or, is the point of life to live with the decisions that you make? At one point in the book, Naomi comments that she thinks perhaps the only reason that her significant other, James liked her is because she has no past, because the present and the future can be what she chooses, what she wants them to be. There are times in my life when I think that nothing could ever get worse. When I feel as if a mid-life crisis is occuring 30 years premature and all I want to do is just give up on everything and everyone. I would kill to erase my mistakes. I would do anything to go back in time and just start over. But maybe everything does, despite how cliche this may sound, happen for a reason because if it didn’t, there would be no argument as to why Naomi shouldn’t forget. She just would, there would be no hesitation because there would be no reason why she shouldn’t.

In sixth grade, I said something awful about one of my closest friends that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The thing is, I didn’t even mean what I said about her, and she overheard. I remember what made me feel the worst about it was that when I called to apologize and tell her it didn’t mean it, I didn’t want to lose her, yadda, yadda, ya she wasn’t angry-- just really hurt, sad. And, I’ll never forget how her voice sounded because I’d never ever heard it that way before and that made everything a million times worse. I remember in that moment, hating myself more than I ever have before, being so ashamed of what I’d done that still to this day, the only person that knows is my mom. I remember a list of things I would do to take it back going through my head. A stream of items or words or people or foods or anything I would give up if I could go back in time and have her back.

Anything.
Anything to loosen the tight, dry knot in the back of my throat or fill the empty, aching hole in my stomach.
I had become desperate like anyone in a similar situation would be.

But, I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do because I’m only human and I don’t have a fairy god-mother or Hermione’s time turner. Because I’d done something that so many had done before me and so many will do after me- made a possibly life-altering mistake. And I regretted it deeply but, like the others, I would have to live with that.

So what’s the upside to this? Why, if everyone wants so badly what Naomi has the opportunity to have, should she not take it? Because I made up with that friend and she’s still at my house practically everyday eating my families supply of cookies. Because, while what I said will always be there, we still have our run-around-like-4-year-olds-on-a-summer-afternoon kind of juvenile relationship. Because, since that day, I have tried as hard as I possibly can to not say a single bad thing about a friend behind their back, and it’s worked for the most part. Because I learned an important lesson in a painfully hard way but because of that, I’ll never forget it. And, if I did, who knows how many times I would’ve made that mistake again. Sometimes I think when you do something wrong, you just get a strike and a bit of luck and everything is OK. But, if you forget and keep on doing that thing, you’re out of luck and strikes and nothing turns out OK. Because, “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it” and though this quote is overused in my writing that’s only it’s so true and so, so, vitally important to remember.

I wish I could say that Leonardo DiCaprio made this movie what it is...

I never thought I'd say that a Shakespeare play became one of my favorite movies of all time (not to sound like an ignorant, modern-day teen or anything-- I love Shakespeare, of course. But, when thinking about movies, there's always Mean girls and Elf and The parent trap and The Lizzie McGuire movie to consider which top practically everything). Seriously though, This movie is amazing. When we began the Romeo and Juliet unit and the first excited whispers about the about the fact that we would actually be watching a movie in class (as if we've never done that before) began, everyone (or at least every girl (yes, including me)) wanted to know only one thing- "IS IT THE LEONARDO DICAPRIO VERSION?!?!?!?!?!". And when Ms.Robbins told us that no, it was not- it was the Baz Luhrmann version, and that it would not ever (in her class) be referred to as anything but the Baz Luhrmann version, I thought it was just a joke. Just something she established because she was (understandably) sick and tired of thirteen year old girls having panic attacks about how absolutely perfect and exquisite the young Leonardo DiCaprio was everytime he went on screen (especially in those beginning scenes in the sunset/beach/sycamore grove- oh.my.god.). However, along with the many other things that I learned from watching this movie in class, by the end I had come to the realization that that was not at all Ms.Robbin's reason (or at least not her main one) for naming this "The Baz Luhrmann version"-- it was because that man is a creative genius and though he may not be as beautiful as him, he deserves every ounce of credit for this visionary masterpiece.

I wanted to zoom in on one specific thing that may seem a little unimportant but, in reality, adds so much to this movie- color (and when I say color I mean how Luhrmann used color to symbolize, not just the fact that he used it instead of black and white or something). When you're making a movie, you have so much more room for creative-ness and there are so many more visual things that you just physically couldn't have in a play. Baz Luhrmann uses this to his full advantage always and has "creative-movie-things" in practically every single shot+ this shines through especially in his choice of color uses. He chose yellow and blue to represent Montague and Capulet, and if you watch for these colors throughout, it's something that shows up all the time and one of those details that you may never notice, but if you do, you appreciate even more all the thought and work put into this movie and it's intentional craft moves. Color comes up in the backlight they use on characters faces in close-ups, it comes up in backdrops, it comes up in the clothes and the colors of their cars, it comes up in the fish between Romeo and Juliet, it comes up in the church, it comes up really everywhere, and everytime it does, it means something. It's there for a reason. And, even if people don't consciously notice these colors or realize what they represent, I think that having each side and each character on either side being visually affiliated with a color really helps the audience remember and understand each characters strong disposition and opinion and personality even if it's just their brain automatically and unconsciously making that connection.

I think that, in general, people learn a lot more when they do something in school than at home. Maybe it's because they're paying attention or because teachers are there, pointing out smart things. But, either way, it's really remarkable how much more I got out of watching this movie once in school than the millions of times I've seen it at home. It's one of those movies where you know it's beautiful and thought out and special for some reason but, as a thirteen year old not-film-expert, you can't seen to put your finger on specifically what that reason is. It's everything- it's the way that the light hits their faces- a bit sharper for Tybalt and softer for Benvolio, it's the way everything means something. How Romeo and Juliet's meeting foreshadows and represents what their future will be-- on opposite sides of the fish tank, fish of Montague+ Capulet colors and layers of water pushing them apart always. It's the beautiful modern costume party take on the Capulet dinner and how each costume represents it's wearer. It's how he changes the whole ending without adding or taking away a single word. It's how he makes everything fit together, work just right, even hundreds of years later. Watching the movie now that all these things are brought to my attention is overwhelming because every thought I have is "blue there!", "yellow over there!", "close up!", "what.does.it.mean...?". I've never taken a film study class before or even heard anyone talk about it so, maybe this little taste has gotten me anxious and it will soon ware off, but either way, I'm excited. I'm excited that I got so much out of this, and I'm excited to finish dissecting the play, and I'm excited about how I will view the movie when I, inevitably, see it again, and I'm excited that I'm actually excited about this, and I'm really excited to go out and rent all of these.